Our Angel Baby

I have done posts on Tucker and Carter... I have talked about this new blessing... but I have never sat down and wrote about our angel we lost last April. I think it will be good for the soul to do so. So I will....

Before Randall and I got married we knew we wanted kids. He said 4... I said we will see. Tucker came... he was super easy. Carter came... he was well different. Little stinker! At that point we thought we were done but not 100% sure so my doctor wouldn't tie my tubes. Boy am I glad he didn't!!!

After totally turning our lives over to God we discussed having one more and completing our little family. I got off my birth control in February. March came... no luck.... April came... I didn't feel a thing. I took a test anyways and it showed up negative. We got pregnant really easily with Carter so maybe I thought it would be easy again so I was disappointed. The day after I tested I started. Go figure. This period was different. It was rough. On day 4 of bleeding while at work I passed what I thought was a clot... I was wrong. It was our baby. The bleeding lasted for another 6-7 days until I called my nurse. She said I need you to test again and call me back. I said no way am I pregnant. I tested negative and started. But I took her advice. Left work and went to Walgreens. Sitting in that stall I wasn't worried. I thought this will be just to take the next step to make this stop. Well I was shocked to see 2 lines come up right away.... I was hit with a wave of sadness and started bawling.  I knew what happened that previous week. I lost our baby. I know I didn't have to endure weeks of pregnancy than experience a loss but it is still a loss. And was still so hard. I called the nurse right away and they asked me to come up to the office for testing. I headed that way and called Randall. He knew I was going to test but like me thought it would be negative for sure. He was sad just like me. I picked him up at work and he went with me.

We arrived at the docs office and did the ultrasound. I had passed it and my body was doing the work it was supposed to. I would not have to have a DNC. Thank the Lord. The bleeding lasted a few more days and then I was fine.

But left so disappointed. Why didn't we get to keep this one?  Was something wrong?  Just seemed a little unfair. I prayed and prayed. I reminded myself I have two beautiful boys. Healthy boys. Many people never experience having children. I have twice. Why am I complaining?  I felt guilty then for complaining and being sad... too many emotions and I was having a hard time dealing with exactly how I should feel.

We decided we didn't want to try again right away so back on the pill I went. Right away. Fast forward a few months a peace had come over me. God told me, "I have a plan. That baby was not meant to be with you but to be with me until you meet us in Heaven one day. Trust in me." So we did. I got back off on my pill in August and October I was pregnant again. Thank the Good Lord!!! I did have early testing to make sure things were going good this time. Those came back perfect.

Here we are at 19 weeks along. I am thankful for this baby and thankful I will see my angel one day. I picture my Grammy rocking that baby and carrying for it until I can. It is perfect now. Maybe something would have been wrong here on earth so God took it home so it could be perfect.  Next week is our ultrasound. I pray everything is perfect. If something isn't as the docs say it should be I know God won't give me anymore than I can handle. But I have a feeling this will be just fine. And then us having 4 kids will have be true. 3 on earth and 1 in heaven.

Life is never how we picture it... but it is how God planned it to be. I am so thankful God planned for me to be a Mom. The best thing ever.

~Jenni